Ashley and Bethany on a semester break from senior year of college. Each is “on their phones,” as they say, with email, texts, apps, etc; while talking to each other.
ASHLEY: Oh My God. Horrifying.
BETHANY: Whaaa?
ASHLEY: I just read something.
BETHANY: OK.
ASHLEY: If this is true it’s horrifying.
BETHANY: All right. But i doubt it.
ASHLEY: It’s horrifying. If true, hor-ri-fy-ing!
(Pause)
BETHANY: Well, what is it?
ASHLEY: Hey, how about this… Chemtrails.
BETHANY: Oh yeah, that’s not true.
ASHLEY: Seems like it is. I mean, chemtrails.
BETHANY: Yeah, I know, the government dumping chemicals out of the back of commercial airlines.
ASHLEY: Aircraft.
BETHANY: Whatever. Its a, what, a conspiracy theory.
ASHLEY: How do you know? I mean how would we would you ever know?
BETHANY: How do I know it’s a conspiracy theory?
ASHLEY: Yeah.
BETHANY: Because it is.
ASHLEY: But that’s just it, that’s just it, the cover-up, the cover-up is part of the conspiracy.
BETHANY: The cover-up is not part of the conspiracy. The conspiracy is not real, there is no cover-up. There can’t be a cover-up of something that doesn’t really exist. Duh.
ASHLEY: What are you talking about? What are you even talking about? That’s what a conspiracy is, a cover-up! There has to be a cover-up or there’s no conspiracy.
BETHANY: OK, OK, I agree with you on that. But there’s no cover-up. There’s no-cover up for something that’s not happening. That never happened.
ASHLEY: So if it happened, then there is a cover up?
BETHANY: Usually.
ASHLEY: OK, you think that 9/11 just happened? Just happened, like it was just terrorism, and that the government wasn’t involved in 9/11 at all?
(Pause)
BETHANY: Yes.
ASHLEY: You think Lee Harvey Oswald shot Kennedy?
BETHANY: Yes, like a million years ago.
ASHLEY: You think the people have actually been on the surface of the moon?
BETHANY: Yes.
ASHLEY: Are you having sex with my father?
(Pause)
BETHANY: Yes.
(Pause)
ASHLEY: I hacked into his email. (pause) Horrifying.
Trumpilton! a Day One of Parody based on Hamilton! (with Additional Lyrics by Miller Susen)
Kanye: (sung to “Alexander Hamilton”)
How does an bastard, mop-top, son of a Scot and German
Without much book learning
A birther and a blowhard whose voice was never hesitant
Stay in New York City — be forty-fith president?
Hillary Clinton:
This million-buck rich kid was no self starter
He didn’t work harder, he wasn’t much smarter
He bragged out one side, and lied out the other
Had five rich kids from three different mothers
Kanye:
And everyday immigrants worked for him, thanklessly
While he went on – six times! – to claim bankruptcy
Inside he was yellow – and outside he was orange
He was scheming and screaming and nothing rhymes with orange
Hillary:
His campaign came, and fake news reigned
Hillary saw her hopes slip, slippin’ down the drain
This woman in a pantsuit who challenged his game
Put more hatred in his message – fannin’ up the flames!
Kanye:
Then the word got around, they said, this dude is insane, man!
Let’s turn out and elect him so he can be our main man
Don’t need no education, you can vote just the same, and
The world’s gonna feel our pain. Feel my pain, man!
(right into)
Hillary:
Ladies and Gentleman!
Kanye, Hillary, and audience:
Here comes the general
Rise up! (What?)
Here comes the general
Rise up! (What?)
Here comes the general
Rise up!
Here comes the general
And his right hand man!
(Trump comes on stage with Ivanka.)
Trump: (sung to “You’ll Be Back”)
You say
the price of my love’s not a price that you’re willing to pay
(wrong!)
You cry
and you stare at my hair as you watch your healthcare go bye-bye
Why so sad?
I totally won by a landslide on election day
And now you’re all mad
Because I’ll build a wall and make Mexico pay?
(I’ll take…) America Back
Soon you’ll see
I’ll take it back to 1953
(I’ll take…) America Back
Time will tell
‘Course if you’re brown or gay it’ll be a living hell
Oceans rise – while I tweet jokes
Cuz global warming’s just a Chinese hoax
And when push comes to shove
I will drain the swamp.. into my cabinet… to remind you of my love
Don, don, don, don, don
Don, don, don, don, donald j. trump
Donald Trump is president. (repeat)
You think I’m not smart. Well, I don’t pay no taxes.
You say I won the election due to Russian hacks-es
And no don’t change the subject
Cause Trump’s the only subject
No longer president elect
I’m the world’s best wonderful president
For ever
Fantastic
Terrific
And Hugely
And Bigly, forever, so bigly….
Make America Great!
Like before
Bomb-the-shit-outta-em like it’s ’44
Make America Great!
Degree by degree
Welcome to Trump University
It’s just four years, so don’t go mad
And don’t throw away this chance I have
Cause when push comes to shove
I will grab you by the pussy… to remind you of my love
Everyone (with dancing):
Don, don, don, don, don
Don, don, don, don, donald j. trump
Donald Trump is president. (repeat)
When you create an overnight theater festival in 24 hours, the day after the inauguration, you may end up with an 8th, special bonus, presentation. With apologies and respect to Lin-Manuel Miranda and Jonathan Groff, 24/7, last night, presented the one and only performance of TRUMPILTON!
Created as part of 24/7, presented by Whole Theatre: http://wholetheatre.org
Performed, Jan 21, 2017 — with only one rehearsal — in the Gibson Theatre of Live Arts: http://livearts.org
Madison enters the kitchen in a light, flowing oversized tee-shirt, barefoot. She is looking for something to eat; finds an orange in the fridge. It’s cold, she holds it to her face. Ashton enters in boxers and a tee-shirt and socks. Ashton opens fridge–finds nothing.
ASHTON
Hey, Madison, you wanna share that?
MADISON
This? (orange) Uhhhh, no.
ASHTON
Could I just have a section or two?
MADISON
Ashton, really? Go get your own orange. This is Florida for the love of citrus.
ASHTON
Just… OK. How many sections of that orange are you going to eat?
MADISON
All of them. I don’t know. 10.
ASHTON
So, if there are 12 sections, may I have two?
MADISON
No, I’m going to eat them all. I don’t like to peel oranges, that’s why I’m waiting. And it’s cold; and it feels good on my face. But, soon, this orange will be peeled. And when it is peeled—and when I count the freakin’ sections—I don’t care if there are ten, twelve, or even a hundred sections, I’m going to eat them all. Got it?
Pause. Madison rolls the orange over her face.
ASHTON
Well, there’s not going to be a hundred.
MADISON
Ashton, shut up.
Pause. They sit. Madison holds the orange in her lap and lowers her head onto the kitchen table. Ashton gets up walks behind Madison. Smells her hair. Begins to kiss her neck. Madison stands. Madison slams the orange on to the table.
MADISON
That (sex) is never going to happen again. I told you to drop it fifty freakin’ times. It was a mistake. You’re my roommate and… I don’t even like you.
Madison leaves. Ashton peels the orange.
ASHTON
Yeah, well, I don’t like you either. I just wanted the orange.
Madison walks back in to the kitchen in black cocktail dress. Ashton is surprised, then delighted. Madison goes to Ashton, touches Ashton’s face; then, she punches him in the eye. She goes to the cabinet and gets a napkin; returns to the table and picks up the orange.
MADISON
It’s my orange. I just didn’t want to peel it.
Exit. Ashton holds the orange peel to his eye. It stings.
They stop, but don’t turn turn to look at each other, then both exit, then reenter walking past each other again.
SEAN: (barely audible) Hmm.
BETH: (clears throat)
Both exit, then reenter walking past each other again. Nothing, not even looking at each other.
Again, both exit, then reenter, catch a glimpses of each other, turn and exit quickly; repeats, repeats; and then.
Pause. Then they reenter. Slowly walking up toward each other again.
SEAN: Look.
BETH: Yeah. I know.
SEAN: It’s just a hallway, and you shouldn’t talk to me and I shouldn’t talk to you.
BETH: There should be know talking, I agree. But I was fine until you asked a question. What’s with the question. NO ONE ASKS QUESTIONS IN THE damn HALLWAY.
SEAN: I know. I know. But you started talking too soon. You can’t talk too soon or it’s like begging a freakin’ conversation out of the other person. If you talk too soon, I gotta ask a freakin’ question.
Pause. They look into each other eyes and kiss. Make out. Dropping papers and folders and messing up hair and clothing. Then they separate, back up a pace or two, pick up, straighten out, and look lovingly into each other eyes, then:
Outside. Near a tree in the lawn. Bruce stands, in thought, with a pitchfork. Tammy enters, speaking.
TAMMY: You got a truck load of mulch, I see. I should say, I smell.
BRUCE: Yeah, smells like mulch.
TAMMY: I love that smell.
BRUCE: Smells like work.
TAMMY: Yeah, outside work. I love that feeling.
BRUCE: When it’s done, you mean.
TAMMY: Yeah, but doing it, too. The sweat of it all. The getting your hands dirty and doing some actually work that you can look back on, when it’s done, and see what you’ve done, and stand there tired and yet happy and sweaty and hot and just feel good.
BRUCE: I love you.
TAMMY: Don’t say that.
BRUCE: It’s true.
TAMMY: I know. But.
BRUCE: Yeah. Pause
TAMMY: I shouldn’t tell you what to say.
BRUCE: It’s OK.
TAMMY: I love you, too.
BRUCE: Don’t say that.
TAMMY: It’s also true.
BRUCE: You know this mulch is twice shredded. Double shredded. It was trees. Tree bark. This is true. True double shredded hardwood bark mulch. Not long ago it was alive and tall and sturdy and all that stuff that seems like it is never going away.
TAMMY: And then you spread it out and something new grows (laughs).
BRUCE: (sort of laughs) I wasn’t trying to be clever.
TAMMY: I know.
BRUCE: But it’s true. Pause
TAMMY: Can I help you spread it?
BRUCE: You sure?
TAMMY: Yeah.
BRUCE: Yeah.
TAMMY: Sure.
BRUCE: Well, OK, then. Bruce hands Tammy the pitchfork.
BRUCE: Get ready to sweat.
Two men painting a house each on his own ladder. Both wear painters caps and safety googles.
BENJAMIN: Remember when, on Facebook, remember when people used to share their own ideas, thoughts, words, photos, videos, whatever?
MOORE: Nope.
BENJAMIN: Yeah you do. Now all you get is links to other people’s crap. Same crap that someone else posted yesterday. You know what I’m sayin’?
MOORE: Nope.
BENJAMIN: It’s all this hyped up/buzzfeed/mashable/huffington-post/upworthy/not-really-upworthy crap. All this amazing crap. Crap that will change-your-world/make-you-laugh/not-believe-what-you’re-seeing… as long as you watch ’til the end. Where’d it all come from? You know where it all comes from?
MOORE: Nope.
BENJAMIN: Your “friends.” And all your friends suck.
MOORE: My “friends?”
BENJAMIN: Yes, your “friends.” Everyone’s “friends.” And my “friends,” too.
Moore pushes Benjamin off the ladder. Watches him the whole time.
BENJAMIN: (being pushed/falling) Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! (he lands with a thud, then says, weakly) Shit, ahh, shit, shit.
Moore looks at him hit the ground, looks at him for what seems like a bit too long. Then, Moore touches/taps his safety googles.
4 Friends of Jessica at her grave site. Outside. Cold. Coats, hats, gloves.
1 FRIEND: I know we all loved Jessica.
2 FRIEND: We all did.
3 FRIEND: We did.
4 FRIEND: Everyone did.
(pause)
1 FRIEND: But, I don’t think it is unfair to say that she had difficulty loving us.
2 FRIEND: Yep.
3 FRIEND: Yeah.
4 FRIEND: Yep, that’s fair.
1 FRIEND: Good. I’m glad I got that off my chest.
(pause)
2 FRIEND: I mean she tried, didn’t she? She really tried, right?
(pause)
3 FRIEND: Nope.
4 FRIEND: No.
1 FRIEND: No, she didn’t.
2 FRIEND: Yeah, you’re right, what was I thinkin’?
(pause)
3 FRIEND: But she was friendly and kind, and… generous, wasn’t she?
4 FRIEND: Not really.
3 FRIEND: O, my god, no.
2 FRIEND: No sir-ree.
(pause)
1 FRIEND: I know we all didn’t really care that much for Jessica.
END
Family in a car driving forever through the desert.
Son One: I gotta pee.
Dad: Hold it.
Son Two: Yeah, I gotta pee, too. Pull over.
Mom: Oh, pull over, let them pee.
Son Three: I gotta pee, too.
Dad: Hold it boys. Hold it like a man.
Mom: Oh, pull over, George. They all have to go, just pull over.
Dad pulls over. Boys get out of back seat, head to the back of the care, line up and pee. Then, they get back in.
Dad: You all good now, ladies?
Son Three: Yes
Son Two: Yes
Son One: OK.
Dad: OK, then.
Dad turns on blinker to pull back onto the road.
Mom: Oh, hold I, while were here.
Mom gets out, goes to back of car, pees.
Dad: You are all girls. You boys are all girls. See that. Your mom is a girl, too. And all the girls in the car had to get out and pee and couldn’t hold it.
Mom gets back in.
Mom: Thanks. Wow, can we roll up the windows and turn on the air?
The cool air makes the Dad have to pee.
Dad: Now, I gotta pee. But look, boys. I’m not gonna do it. I’m a man, I’m just gonna hold it in until….
He tries to hold it, shivers, begins dancing in his seat; then has to go too much.
Dad: Oh, fuck it.
Dad gets out to pee behind the car; boys and Mom watch then bust out laughing.
