Monthly Archives: August 2013

Teenage Lawyer Cow – Chapter 1


My name is Molly; and I’m a holstein cow.

I’m also a lawyer.

And I’m also a teenager in middle school. I’m so excited. Here’s my story.

After my first 8 years on Farmer Miller’s farm, I knew there had to be more to life than being a milking cow. So, I went to law school!

Three years later, I graduated – supper cow latte! – from the University of Virginia, School of Law, in Charlottesville, Virginia. Then, I took and passed the bar exam on my first try.

But when I began taking on – and winning – real law cases; some other lawyers found a loop hole in my education. Like in baseball, they said, when you make it to third base, but you’ve skipped second base, you have to go back and touch second base or you’re out, so,…. it was argued, that I had to go back to middle school so I could qualify for high school, so I could qualify for college, so I could qualify for law school. (boys, and their baseball analogies!!!)

Long story short, I’m now in Mr. Thomas’ 8th grade homeroom, I take all the fun classes like pre-calculus and pre-physics, and I’m loving it — except for the boys who can be so weird — and so basebally.

Oh, also, I have new parents. Farmer and Mrs. Miller adopted me!

Yeah!! I love it!!

Tell you more later.

Yours mooly,


Teenage Lawyer Cow

Wet Like Raindrops (bad poetry)

wet like raindrops

like the rain that drops the raindrops

so wet

like heaven’s sweat

so wet

so wet on me

so why am i out in that rain?

o that song

about raindrops

or the rain that drops

that song where my head is fallen upon by rain drops

o that song – what’s that song

o i can’t remember the lyrics

raindrops continue to head down onto my head

o i can’t remember

i’m wet like a noodle

from this rain

i’m wet like a fish

from this rain

i’m wet like an ice cube left on the counter this morning and now the second law of thermodynamics has caused it to return to a liquid state

from this rain

i’m wet like the counter

hey who left this icecube here

or was it just a water spill

wow, i hope we don’t have a leak

there’s a cake

that’t what it is

someone left the cake out in the rain

that’s the song

no it’s not


i’m wet like raindrops

i mean, from raindops

i mean, like, a lot of them

You You You (bad poetry)

You you you

And really it’s all you

And really it’s not me

Because it’s really you

It’s you

Who who who

Told me about the birds

Taught me about the bees

Took me behind the trees

All flew

Away away away

Never to return

Never to overturn

Never to U-turn

Never did you turn

To return

To the cistern

Of the sister

And the Mr.

In the mist, or

The frisbee disc-er

Golf golf golf

That you never taught me how to play

And I keep throwing saucers


Cats dishes

Soured with Milk

To a horribly disfigured chainlink basket that is




Asking Directions

There was young woman, oh, say 23, walking on the sidewalk past small buildings in a small town.  She was trying to find an address that wasn’t showing up in her GPS/Smartphone/Wristwatch thing.  She had to ask directions; but never having done so before, she did not know where to begin.

She first asked the sky, “Ahhhggggg!  Where is this fucking place?”

She then asked herGPS/Smartphone/Wristwatch thing, “Why are you so stupid?”

Then, she asked a homeless man, “Ooo, what is that smell?  Do you know even know the word, ‘shower’?”

She then asked young man, oh, say, 23, who was passing by.  She pushed her GPS/Smartphone/Wristwatch thing near his face, “Do you know where this place is?”  The passerby stopped, looked at the address on the display, then put the address into his phone.  The phone returned the message, “address not found.” He shrugged, showed her the phone’s display, and he said to her, “Sorry, Dude.”

“Well, what the fuck?”


“It’s like it doesn’t even fucking exist.”

“Yeah.  Totally sucks to be you right now.”

He returned to looking at his phone, swiping the touch screen, while she went back to tapping on her  GPS/Smartphone/Wristwatch thing.

After two minutes of silence he said, “Hey, you wanna maybe hook-up sometime?”

She and he made eye contact.  It was a strange thing to do.  It was uncomfortable.  It was scary.  And after several seconds they looked away.

“Sure.” She said,  “Gimme, like, your phone number and I’ll text you.”

Then, she walked away alone, looking for the place that didn’t even fucking exist.