US Passport Holders Only

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Place: USA Passport holders immigration line at the International Terminal at Newark Airport.
Cast: Two 25-year-old american males.

VOICE OVER STATIC INTERCOM: Welcome to Newark International Airport.   This line is for US Passport holders only.  Please stay in line.

25YOAM #1: This is bullshit. We’re from here, why do we have to wait in this line?
25YOAM #2: I know. I fuckin’ hate this country.

END

Double Shredded

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Outside.  Near a tree in the lawn.  Bruce stands, in thought, with a pitchfork.  Tammy enters, speaking.

TAMMY: You got a truck load of mulch, I see. I should say, I smell.
BRUCE: Yeah, smells like mulch.
TAMMY: I love that smell.
BRUCE: Smells like work.
TAMMY: Yeah, outside work. I love that feeling.
BRUCE: When it’s done, you mean.
TAMMY: Yeah, but doing it, too. The sweat of it all. The getting your hands dirty and doing some actually work that you can look back on, when it’s done, and see what you’ve done, and stand there tired and yet happy and sweaty and hot and just feel good.
BRUCE: I love you.
TAMMY: Don’t say that.
BRUCE: It’s true.
TAMMY: I know. But.
BRUCE: Yeah.
     Pause
TAMMY: I shouldn’t tell you what to say.
BRUCE: It’s OK.
TAMMY: I love you, too.
BRUCE: Don’t say that.
TAMMY: It’s also true.
BRUCE: You know this mulch is twice shredded. Double shredded. It was trees. Tree bark. This is true. True double shredded hardwood bark mulch. Not long ago it was alive and tall and sturdy and all that stuff that seems like it is never going away.
TAMMY: And then you spread it out and something new grows (laughs).
BRUCE: (sort of laughs) I wasn’t trying to be clever.
TAMMY: I know.
BRUCE: But it’s true.
     Pause
TAMMY: Can I help you spread it?
BRUCE: You sure?
TAMMY: Yeah.
BRUCE: Yeah.
TAMMY: Sure.
BRUCE: Well, OK, then.
    Bruce hands Tammy the pitchfork.
BRUCE: Get ready to sweat.

END

 

this is how it went down

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this is how it went down our last moment i waved to her she was mowing the lawn to get her attention i waved she saw me she smiled she turned the mower toward me lifting the front wheels off the grass i reacted as if she was going to try to mow me down she laughed a little bit because it was kind of funny and because she knew i was trying to be funny and she waved without taking her hand off the controls and continued to turn the mower around i walked to her for a hug for a handshake for something she didn’t see and continued to mow the lawn i walked away and got in my pick-up truck and drove

this is how it went down the moment before our last moment we were standing on opposite sides of the kitchen island and i was telling her about my day at work and how the woman who got the job that I should have gotten a year and half ago still cannot make a public speech she’s horrible she’s embarrassing to our whole department why didn’t I get that job she smiled i leaned back to do an imitation and saw the ceiling fans and thought oh my god those things are filthy and then i said oh my god those things are filthy i never noticed how filthy they were she thought she took it in she took it as an insult she said i got to go mow the lawn and left the room and left the house and left me standing at the island

this is how it went down nine years before our last moment our first moment i had a fun day i had a long day i was hungry i ordered a drink i leaned back in my chair i saw her dancing in the next room among all the other stuff that was going on i saw her dancing and i thought to myself wow i said to myself i need to get me some of that i was thinking about the fun i was thinking about the abandoned i was thinking about the campiness i was thinking about a bumper sticker that i saw on someone’s refrigerator that said dance like no one is watching after i had something to drink after i might have had too much to drink i went over to her she smiled i said hi

 

iHouse (bad poetry)

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iShutter, to think
iStoop, to conquer
iDeck, the halls with folly
iPane, to see outside

iEaves, to drop
iShower, with kisses
iCloset, my feelings

iCraw, -Space to hide
iLiving, -Room to breath
iDen, -tify
iDen, -tify
iDen, -tify
iBed, -Room for you

iShutter, to think

More or Less Friends

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Two men painting a house each on his own ladder.  Both wear painters caps and safety googles.

BENJAMIN:  Remember when, on Facebook, remember when people used to share their own ideas, thoughts, words, photos, videos, whatever?

MOORE: Nope.

BENJAMIN:  Yeah you do.  Now all you get is links to other people’s crap.  Same crap that someone else posted yesterday.  You know what I’m sayin’?

MOORE:  Nope.

BENJAMIN:  It’s all this hyped up/buzzfeed/mashable/huffington-post/upworthy/not-really-upworthy crap.  All this amazing crap.   Crap that will change-your-world/make-you-laugh/not-believe-what-you’re-seeing… as long as you watch ’til the end.  Where’d it all come from?  You know where it all comes from?

MOORE:  Nope.

BENJAMIN: Your “friends.”  And all your friends suck.

MOORE: My “friends?”

BENJAMIN: Yes, your “friends.”  Everyone’s “friends.”  And my “friends,” too.

Moore pushes Benjamin off the ladder.   Watches him the whole time.

BENJAMIN:  (being pushed/falling) Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  (he lands with a thud, then says, weakly) Shit, ahh, shit, shit.

Moore looks at him hit the ground, looks at him for what seems like a bit too long.  Then, Moore touches/taps his safety googles.

MOORE:  Google Glass: Send video to Facebook.

Moore continues to paint.

 

is it me, or is it just me? (bad poetry)

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is it me
or is it just me
that likes to see
the sea
for free
so eeeea – zeeee – lyeeee

is it me
or is it just me
or is it you too
you who
says boo hoo
and pooh-poohs
what we do
so oooo – oooo – yoooouuuu

is it me
or is it just me
or is it a water spider
aka water strider
bound to be a collide-er
and lay beside her
and stay inside her
without guide (or)
place to hide (or)
rules to bide (or)
hope of bride (or)
sense of pride

is it me
is it me
or is it just me

its me

Dirty Dirty Laundry (bad poetry)

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lies in piles
piles of lies
like the dirty little secretive secrets secreted
in the creases of the fabric of your dirty laundry
in the creases of the mouth of your dirty dirty mouth
where your dirty dirty laundry-list lies

you don’t love me any more, you said
you don’t do all you said you would, you said
you said, you don’t remember what you said, you said
well, what did you say
i’m asking
what did you say
no, i’m asking you
seriously
what did you say

see you don’t remember
your/own
my/own
our/own
dirty dirty laundry

Starsucks (Bad Poetry)

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Starbucks sucks
And I don’t mean a little
I mean a lot

Starbucks sucks
Though it didn’t always
But who gives a fuck now

Starbucks sucks
And the people in Starbucks suck
And when you’re in Starbucks you suck
And when I’m in Starbucks I suck

And when some obese american man clown
Gets in front of me
With both gut and butt
Flopping out of his clothing
And orders a triple vanilla iced mocha with extra whip
He’s right at home