Category Archives: Bad Poetry

this is how it went down

this is how it went down our last moment i waved to her she was mowing the lawn to get her attention i waved she saw me she smiled she turned the mower toward me lifting the front wheels off the grass i reacted as if she was going to try to mow me down she laughed a little bit because it was kind of funny and because she knew i was trying to be funny and she waved without taking her hand off the controls and continued to turn the mower around i walked to her for a hug for a handshake for something she didn’t see and continued to mow the lawn i walked away and got in my pick-up truck and drove

this is how it went down the moment before our last moment we were standing on opposite sides of the kitchen island and i was telling her about my day at work and how the woman who got the job that I should have gotten a year and half ago still cannot make a public speech she’s horrible she’s embarrassing to our whole department why didn’t I get that job she smiled i leaned back to do an imitation and saw the ceiling fans and thought oh my god those things are filthy and then i said oh my god those things are filthy i never noticed how filthy they were she thought she took it in she took it as an insult she said i got to go mow the lawn and left the room and left the house and left me standing at the island

this is how it went down nine years before our last moment our first moment i had a fun day i had a long day i was hungry i ordered a drink i leaned back in my chair i saw her dancing in the next room among all the other stuff that was going on i saw her dancing and i thought to myself wow i said to myself i need to get me some of that i was thinking about the fun i was thinking about the abandoned i was thinking about the campiness i was thinking about a bumper sticker that i saw on someone’s refrigerator that said dance like no one is watching after i had something to drink after i might have had too much to drink i went over to her she smiled i said hi

 

iHouse (bad poetry)

iShutter, to think
iStoop, to conquer
iDeck, the halls with folly
iPane, to see outside

iEaves, to drop
iShower, with kisses
iCloset, my feelings

iCraw, -Space to hide
iLiving, -Room to breath
iDen, -tify
iDen, -tify
iDen, -tify
iBed, -Room for you

iShutter, to think

is it me, or is it just me? (bad poetry)

is it me
or is it just me
that likes to see
the sea
for free
so eeeea – zeeee – lyeeee

is it me
or is it just me
or is it you too
you who
says boo hoo
and pooh-poohs
what we do
so oooo – oooo – yoooouuuu

is it me
or is it just me
or is it a water spider
aka water strider
bound to be a collide-er
and lay beside her
and stay inside her
without guide (or)
place to hide (or)
rules to bide (or)
hope of bride (or)
sense of pride

is it me
is it me
or is it just me

its me

Dirty Dirty Laundry (bad poetry)

lies in piles
piles of lies
like the dirty little secretive secrets secreted
in the creases of the fabric of your dirty laundry
in the creases of the mouth of your dirty dirty mouth
where your dirty dirty laundry-list lies

you don’t love me any more, you said
you don’t do all you said you would, you said
you said, you don’t remember what you said, you said
well, what did you say
i’m asking
what did you say
no, i’m asking you
seriously
what did you say

see you don’t remember
your/own
my/own
our/own
dirty dirty laundry

Starsucks (Bad Poetry)

Starbucks sucks
And I don’t mean a little
I mean a lot

Starbucks sucks
Though it didn’t always
But who gives a fuck now

Starbucks sucks
And the people in Starbucks suck
And when you’re in Starbucks you suck
And when I’m in Starbucks I suck

And when some obese american man clown
Gets in front of me
With both gut and butt
Flopping out of his clothing
And orders a triple vanilla iced mocha with extra whip
He’s right at home

o captian my tennille (bad poetry)

if we were like the captain and tennille
would you be the captain or tennille
and why
and why
won’t love keep us together

and why do birds suddenly appear
ever time you are near
oh, what, that’s the carpenters
like, the band, the capentters
ok
ok
do that to me one more time, once is never enough

and why do people want to fill the world with silly love songs
what
it is not paul maccartney
like the beatles’ paul maccartney
well really
well really
you better shop around
for muskrat love

Names of Cats (bad poetry)

when i was a kid we had a cat named top cat
but we never put him in a top hat

when i was a kid we had a calico cat named calicocat
because we were creative like that

when i was a kid we had a cat named whiskers because when you have 14 cats you kinda start to give up on the naming thing

when i was a kid we had a pony with a patchy black-n-white coloring that we called Apache

whiskers ran away!
actually, if one of our cats had run away, I may not noticed

when I was a kid we had a cat named mother,
our oldest cat
who gave birth to most our other cats
long story short
one day
dad shot her

if i am the poem (bad poetry)

if I am the poem

and the page is the canvass

and my words the paint

then i am the painter

and if i am the painter

and the canvass is the 2x4s

and my brush is the hammer and nails

then i am the carpenter

and if i am the carpenter

and the house is the ocean

and the subcontractors are the sailers

than i am a boat

and if i am a boat

and my oars are my pasionate yet witty insights

and my mast is my refusal to use capital letters like e e cummings

and my ocean is myself which is to say my ocean is my inkwell

which means each time i write i must dip into me

then i am the poem